Divorce: The Bi-Weekly Heartbreak

This past Friday, just as I do every 2 weeks, I quickly gathered up my children’s things and packed them into their overnight bags.  Just like every other week, I did so with such dread, and sadness, all while feeling a huge sense of loss.  These are the same feelings that I had, that very first time, three and a half years ago, that I packed my 4 older children up for the first time, so they could visit their father in his new apartment.  It’s a sadness, that to this day, is very real and still very fresh.  Every time my children leave,  I hug them, and tell them how much I love them. Mustering all the strength in me, I put a smile on my face and quickly walk them out the door, and then watch them walk away from our home into their father’s car.  As I close the door behind them, the realization that they are gone takes my breath away, each and every time.

 

One would think that after 3 and a half years, I would be used to this schedule.  That by now, I would be over it and that it would all feel normal.  Truth is, it doesn’t feel any more normal now, than it did the first time they had to leave me.  To be honest, the hardest and the only thing that I have not been able to get over after the divorce, is watching my kids leave to have their visitation with their father.  Now, please do not misunderstand what this post is about.  In no way, am I saying that I don’t want my children to visit with their father.  They love their dad, and for that I am glad.  I want my children to be happy, and the time they spend with their father is a part of that equation.  Instead, what I am writing about is the sense of loss that I feel, for the memories that I am not a part of, and those special moments which I am missing.

 

Divorce, no matter how amicable, brings a sense of disconnection to a family.  When a husband and wife are raising kids together in the same home, both parents are extremely connected and involved in the everyday things that come with raising a child.  Most of all, the memories are shared and everyone experiences them together.  With divorce, that is not the case.  My children now have memories and a life, that does not include me and their father together.  When they’re with me, they are experiencing things away from their father, and when they are with him, those experiences are also happening without me.  It is a harsh reality, and hurts me to think that I can’t always be  there and that there is a part of their lives, where I am missing.  Most of all, they are having experiences, that I am missing, and don’t get to be a part of.

 

The end of my relationship with “Ex” was for the best.  It was a very abusive relationship that was not good for me or my children, so in no way would I ever choose to go back to that life.  However, on weekends like this one, I often wonder if I would have been okay with sacrificing my happiness just so that I would never have to go through a weekend without them.  I miss them so much it hurts.  As I go through day’s like today, I spend my time with the wonderful man in my life, and our little girl, but no matter what it is we have planned for the day, one fact holds true.  “Daddy” and I both feel it, life is just not the same without those 4 kids.  Saddest of all is watching our little girl, wake every morning, calling their names and checking their bedrooms, as she excitedly looks for each and every one of them, but they are not there.  It breaks my heart every time I have to remind her that they are gone.  This must be so confusing to her.  Weekends like this, our hearts feel completely broken, and our home feels so totally empty.

 

 

20 Responses to Divorce: The Bi-Weekly Heartbreak

  1. A beautiful post and one I can very much relate to. My son is three and a bit, I split with his father when he was three months old as it was also an abusive and volatile relationship. His father is only intermittently around for our son and the broken homes does tear you.

    • There is comfort in knowing there are other mom’s who struggle with this. Thanks so much for sharing! : )

  2. I swear, I could’ve written this post myself… Those are my exact same sentiments. I feel like a part of me dies every weekend, when my daughter stays with her dad. Yes, I feel this gnawing pain inside me as I pack her bag.

    If it makes you feel any better, at least you have your little girl and wonderful man with you. I’m left alone. I’m sorry, I don’t know if I’m making you feel any better, but yes, you deserve to feel that pain. It’s sad, I know.

    I try to look on the bright side, and make the most of the time for myself.

  3. This is so hurtful to read. I cannot imagine. But despite your doubts and sadness, you really made the right choice for yourself and your babies. Although seeing the faces of the children when they leave you or leave their father is probably sad beyond words for you, like you said, with what was happening and breaking you down during the marriage is much worse. Thanks so much for sharing this heartfelt point of view. I pray you can find peace with your decision and know that you are doing the right thing.

  4. You said it exactly. Nothing is harder about divorce than watching our kids impacted, and not being able to prevent it. And you’re so right about their need for time with their dad. It does feel weird to know that my kids have a life apart from me; but I am thankful they can talk to me about it. I find it consoling to know that wherever my kids are, God is there with them. He is bigger than divorce.
    Blessings,
    Lisa

  5. Lisa, thank you so much for your insight. Sometimes I do forget that god is there to protect them. Going forward, I’ll try to think of this, and hopefully find peace in knowing that god is there for all of us. Thank you for the reminder. : )

  6. I agree that no matter how amicable a separation, it does cause a breach that cannot be fixed, in the family…and I know that even when it was best for everyone that the relationship to be broken, there’s still a breach. And it stinks. All we can do is strive to be the best parents we can be, and know our kids will feel that, both now and when they are grown and reflecting. Big hugs to you.

  7. You wrote a beautiful post. I can only imagine how hard it must be to tell your children goodbye, even if it is only for the weekend. I also think your post is very informative, because I thought it was something you wóúld get used to. But somethings you cán’t get used to I suppose.

    So thanks for writing such an honest post!

  8. My ex hasn’t seen my oldest two in 6 years. The only time I see him is in court when he’s trying to get out of support. He lives 6 miles from us. He was abusive as well. Luckily my husband has stepped up as their daddy. I can only imagine how you must feel. I was lost for the entire week my oldest was at camp. Im with my kids 24/7 so if they’re gone somewhere it feels wrong.

  9. Thanks for sharing your story, Kelly. It’s tough to think that there are so children struggling with the divorce and separation of their parents. I’m very happy that your children have a positive male influence in their lives. Being a good parent has little to do with biology, and everything to do with the love and respect that an adult shows child.

  10. What a raw post! My parents separated when I was 19 and away at University. I always mourn the loss of my family home to bring my husband and daughter home too. And until you mentioned it, I never realized how much it really is the loss of memories that could have been that leave such a huge gap in our lives! But, 18 years later I can see it was for the best in both my parent’s lives. I guess there is no happy medium, just a best case scenario.
    Liz recently posted..Me and My Pig Tails!My Profile

    • Thanks for sharing your story. Divorce is so painful for everyone involved. But as you said, it’s all about living and creating the “best case scenario”. Living in the moment and appreciating the wonderful times that you have with your family; never taking anything or anyone for granted. These are the things that have helped my children and I close some of the gap. Thanks so much for your comment.
      Flawed Mommy recently posted..Adventures of a Work At Home Mom: Lesson #1My Profile

  11. Awe… right… doesn’t always feel good! I am so sorry for the pain…such powerful emotion pack sharing; I admire you for opening up and sharing your experience with others. Wishing you peace and comfort!
    Amy @mommetime recently posted..Sunny DaysMy Profile

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